How To Celebrate Your Child’s Intense Behavior Instead Of Criticizing It

Episode Transcript

Dr. Nicole Beurkens: 

Hi everyone, welcome to the show, I am Dr. Nicole, and on today’s episode, we’ll be talking about the Nurtured Heart Approach. This is the relationship-focused approach to supporting kids with challenges and actually, really, any child and family. When we talk about behavior challenges, so often our focus goes to the negative, but it really is true that the things that we focus our energy on tend to become bigger. And as you’ll hear, that’s one of the big reasons why there is a focus on the positive, on greatness in the Nurtured Heart Approach. We want to spotlight positives and focus our relational energy and interactions on the good in ourselves as well as our kids. So to talk with us about this approach and how it has transformed her practice and the families that she works with, I’ve invited Tammi Van Hollander on the show today, let me tell you a bit about her. 

Tammi is a licensed clinical social worker and Registered Play Therapist Supervisor. She spent over 20 years working with children, families and individuals. Her work and creative interventions in the field of play therapy have been published and internationally recognized. Tammi is the author of a multi-sensory, attachment-based children’s book titled, Casey’s Greatness Wings: Teaching Mindfulness, Connection, and Courage to Children. The success of the book inspired her to create Casey’s Greatness Sticks & Greatness Cards to be used in schools, counseling and in the home. She specializes in attachment, sand tray play therapy & sensory integration work with infants, children, families, and adults. She is a certified Advanced Trainer for the Nurtured Heart Approach, a certified FirstPlay practitioner and a founding board member of The World Association for Sand Therapy Professionals. Tammi, such a joy to have you with us today. Welcome!

Tammi Van Hollander:

Thank you, Nicole! I’m so thrilled to be here. 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens: 

So we have not covered the Nurtured Heart Approach on the show before, but I thought, “Oh, it is about time.” And then I was introduced to you through a colleague and I thought I need to get you on here to talk about this because I so want my community and my listeners to hear about really what I think is such a profoundly important and beneficial approach, and one that you have spent so much time learning about and implementing. So I think let’s start by just framing the conversation, by having you share what the Nurtured Heart Approach is.

Tammi Van Hollander: 

So the Nurtured Heart Approach is an attachment-based relationship approach within behavioral psychology, and what I love the most about this training is that it was the same training for parents, teachers and clinicians. We all went through the same training, and it’s really based on how we energize kids’ greatness? How are we taking kids’ intensity? And if kids’ intensity is used in the right way, they’re able to do the most amazing things. You know Nicole, those kids who are the most intense, they’re the kids who are going to take over the world in really amazing ways when it’s nurtured in the right way. So Nurtured Heart was very much based on this sense of energy. Howard Glasser, who introduced and is a creator of the Nurtured Heart Approach. You guys can find out more about him on the Children’s Success Foundation. But Howie was doing work with kids and just seeing that these behavioral plans just failed in working with a lot of kids diagnosed with ADHD. And the more behavioral plans that were going on, right? It was upping the ante, and kids were pushing their buttons more, and we were energizing this, we were energizing kids’ behaviors in negative ways that made kids act up even more because they were getting energy. And kids want energy no matter what, so why not take this energy of success, rather than the negativity? You know, Nicole, that when a child pushes your buttons and there’s a big reaction, the balance of that energy, compared to a parent saying “Good job, I’m so proud of you”, you can’t even compare. But how can we actually give these big recognitions where they are as exciting and filling that whole body — we call it Inner Wealth in the Nurtured Heart Approach, where they’re able to use that intensity in positive ways. And it’s really based on these three stands, should I talk a little bit about the three stands?

Dr. Nicole Beurkens: 

Yeah, let’s get into that. I just want to pause and spotlight something that you said. You said that Howard Glasser was working with kids with challenges. You mentioned ADHD. I think also kids with things like Oppositional Defiant Disorder, kids on the spectrum — kids with a whole realm on these diagnoses that typically people go, “Oh my gosh, those are really intense kids.” And we don’t mean intense in a good way there, right? So what you said there, I just wanted to spotlight that because I think a lot of people hear “intense” and they’re like “Yup, my kid is so intense, and it’s sort of this negative intensity”. And what you’re talking about is really a reframing of that and a shifting of our thinking about what it means to be intense, and that intensity can exist on a spectrum, right? And it’s sort of like use your powers for good, not evil. Use the intensity for something positive, right? 

Tammi Van Hollander: 

Right. And Howie says these intense kids are not good, they’re great. Just spotlighting the gift of these intense kids. I’ve been a Play Therapist for long enough, just knowing that these intense kids are the kids that crawl into your heart. You know the greatness, and as clinicians, we see the greatness in them, but how are we able to help kids to recognize the greatness, but most importantly for parents to recognize the greatness. And so much about the nurtured heart approach is really changing the lens. One of my very favorite slides in the training is a white rectangle with a pink dot. And we start off by saying “What do you see?” And what everybody sees is the pink dot. And the pink dot is the behavior. And in the white is everything that’s going right, everything that’s good about the child, but we focus on that dot. And you’ve heard this over and over again, that piece, we focus so much energy on the dot and there’s so much more going right than going wrong. But that dot just takes up all of our time. And when we shift the lens, another one of the quotes of Wayne Dyer who said, “When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.” and that’s very much the Nurtured Heart Approach: How are we really changing the lens of how we look at our children? 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens: 

It’s awesome. And I just want to say to those of you listening, especially those of you if you are in a really difficult season with your kid, in no way are we suggesting that those challenges aren’t real or that “Oh, if you just don’t focus on them, they’ll go away.” No. But we are saying that so often, especially in a challenging season, whether it’s with a student we have in the classroom or a child we have at home, or somebody that we’re working with in therapy — so much of our focus and energy and attention goes to, as you said, to that pink dot, to the problem, and we do. We lose sight of the rest of it, and it’s in those moments of the greatest challenges, I think, that it is most important to pan out and be able to see those other things. So I just want to say that because I know sometimes it’s easy for people to have some defensiveness and go “Well you don’t know my kid, you don’t know how bad this is, you don’t know how hard this student makes the day.” It’s like no, we can recognize that there are very real challenges there, and at the same time, we frame our bigger picture perspective. 

Tammi Van Hollander: 

Yeah. Absolutely. And especially through the pandemic and being home, and what parents have been going through. I see the Nurtured Heart Approach as such a healing model for parents and for teachers because it’s taking the blame off themselves. And part of the Nurtured Heart Approach is how are we helping kids to reset? But how are we helping, most importantly, parents to reset? And we all know neurologically that piece that we parents and teachers, we all have to be calm in their storm. And if we’re not, that’s how kids are getting dysregulated. And as we talk about the different stands, that’s how we’re really able to be looking at the importance of that — Stand 1 is not energizing the negativity, and being able to reset ourselves, which is so hard. And there is a lot of work to be done on that piece of what we need to do to reset ourselves and to take those deep breaths, because we know, if we’re up here and they’re up here, it spirals and it’s just complete chaos, and kids need us to be their calm. They need us to be the thermostat on the thermometer. That is the most important job that we have, but it takes a lot of work, and it takes a lot of our own self care to be able to do that, and insight. 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens: 

For sure. So let’s talk about those 3 stands. And we’re saying stands, it’s kind of a new term or a new way of thinking about it. You just mentioned the first one, but talk about what these three stands are. Those are really the three — I think of it as bedrock principles of Nurtured Heart Approach, right? 

Tammi Van Hollander: 

Absolutely. These are the foundations of the Nurtured Heart Approach. And the Nurtured Heart Approach is all based on different stories that they talk about through each stand, which is just wonderful, of ways of being able to incorporate it. You can’t do one stand without all three. It just won’t work. But the simplicity of the stands, some people may think that Nurtured Heart Approach is this very loving and nurturing, very soft approach. And the Nurtured Heart Approach is really a very much warrior approach to clarity. That is important for people to understand — that “Oh, this isn’t for me. This is too soft, this is too lovey-dovey”, but the clarity of it and that piece of it is really important. So Stand 1 is this “Absolutely no: I will not energize negativity”. So your child could be screaming, could be throwing things. And you’re not ignoring it. We’re not still-facing it, we’re not ignoring it, but we’re not energizing it. We’re not reacting to it, which is really hard. 

What do we need to do? It’s so important for parents and teachers to be so self-aware. We need to be so aware of our triggers because so many times it’s other triggers that are happening, and it has nothing to do with what the child did. So that self-awareness is huge. So that Stand 1 of “I will not energize negativity”, it’s being present but it’s not reacting. And Stand 2 is “Absolutely yes: I will relentlessly find the success in every moment.” So I’m sure many of the parents who are listening are saying “There is no way when my child is having a full-blown temper tantrum that there is any success in it.” But part of that “Absolutely no” of Stand 1, you are present enough to be able to hijack the child’s greatness. So if the child is about to throw something at you, you are hijacking them and saying “Look at you! You really want to throw that toy at me, but you’re not, and it’s showing how much self-control you have.” So we are taking these moments, “You could have thrown it at me, you could have ran out the door, you could have hit your brother but you didn’t.” And in these moments, we’re giving these recognitions when they feel so out of control, we’re giving them that control, “Well you could have done all these other things, but you didn’t.” So they’re like, “Oh, I’m not as out of control as I thought.” And Stand 3, which is a very challenging one is “Absolute clarity: I’m going to be absolutely clear. You cross the line, we need to reset.” So Nurtured Heart is very much into the here and now. I was just recently in the Advanced Nurtured Heart Approach Training, and I loved how Howie said that in the word ‘Knowing’ is ‘Now’, and how we always need to be in the here and now. So part of that Stand 3 is how are we helping kids to just reset, to regulate whether it’s a breath — for me, as a child therapist, I believe very much in the parent and the child resetting together. “Let’s do a reset breath. Let’s maybe throw a breath and catch it so we’re connected”, because we know that connection is what calms the brain. Nurtured Heart believes that warnings up the ante, Nurtured Heart believes that it’s absolute clarity. “I need you to make your bed. I need you to do the dishes.” These are the expectations that are set. We know that absolute clarity for all kids — You think about anxious kids who are just in this grey area: Clarity provides calm for kids, and it’s really hard for parents. Parents are often on different pages, and being able to do this approach for both parents to be on the same page is really such a gift because they complement each other in terms of those pieces. It’s not about lecturing or yelling, it’s being within that reset and being within the here and now. 

As we know for kids, and I work with a lot of little kids, Nurtured Heart is for all ages and for anybody to use Nurtured Heart Approach, but what we know with children and self-regulation is that we have to often work with the body first, right? Their thinking brain is not online, so we have to work with that sensory piece, and that’s in the body. And that’s why I love that Stand 3 of the reset, because the reset is just taking a deep breath, using a special pause button or whatever is needed to be able to take that moment. It’s not a time-out. Nurtured Heart believes it’s that juicy time-in. Whatever you do in terms of a reset can look like a quick time-out, but it’s coming out of the reset is where all of that energy is going to be used, when things are going right is when we begin to notch things up and we begin to really give our energy to what is going right. 

 Dr. Nicole Beurkens: 

Yeah, and I think that clarity piece, to me, as I hear you talk about it, it makes me think about boundaries, right? How important boundaries are in a relationship: Boundaries with our kids, boundaries for ourselves, boundaries with our people, and how important it is to be clear about those because that builds trust, right? I’ve had so many conversations with parents who feel like they’re being mean, or insert whatever word there, if they set expectations or hold kids to expectations or have clarity around the boundaries. Actually, it’s mean not to, because kids don’t develop that trust with us. Will you consistently follow through with what you say? Will you consistently expect those things? Will you consistently manage yourself in that way? What are the ground rules here, and can I trust you that those are going to be clear? And I think that that is such an important foundational piece, relationally, for kids, that helps them grow their emotional and behavioral regulation out of being able to trust the adults around them. 

 

Tammi Van Hollander: 

Absolutely. When I first found out about the Nurtured Heart Approach, I was so sick of doing behavioral plans and things just not working, and it felt like everybody was just on a different page. But as I learned the Nurtured Heart Approach — because I first thought “Oh, I’m always on the Nurtured Heart Approach. Looking at the kids’ positives, that’s what we do as therapists, and seeing the good in all of them”, but Nurtured Heart Approach is not about catching them being good. It’s knowing that they are good, it’s knowing that they are great. But how it really changed my practice, and how it even changed my parenting was the amount of time that I would spend with my clients and with my kids being this very, very patient, loving mother. Of listening. My son is 18 now, but had ADHD, had some depression, and you couldn’t get this kid out of the house. He wouldn’t move. And I’d sit with him on the step for an hour and just being this loving kid, I’m like “Oh, he has ADHD, he has these things”, and once I learned the Nurtured Heart Approach, I was like “No.” I had those tools for myself. I remember one day, he was probably about 8, and we were in the car and he didn’t want to put his shoes on, and we were driving and had to get to the doctor’s. I said Aden! I love how you’re putting on your shoes, it’s so great! Just so we’re not going to be late for the doctor’s.” And he first looked at me like I was crazy, and then he said “I’m not putting on my shoes”, then he looked at me and he said, “But I am now!” And he got so excited! But those types of things happen all the time. And I have to say, I believe in the Nurtured Heart Approach, but my son is now 18 and my daughter is 21, and to hear how they relate to their friends, to the people around them — it’s just these beautiful recognitions, these words that are so powerful. The Nurtured Heart Approach is about these recognitions, right? About kids being seen, and kids being heard. 

As you being the nutritionist, one of the comments with Nurtured Heart Approach, Howie Glasser will say that “I love you and I’m proud of you is just junk food.” For that moment, it feels good, but it doesn’t last. It doesn’t have nutritional value. But when we’re able to give these recognitions or what we see, and all the greatness and all these positive things, that’s the nutrition, right? That’s the kale of it all. And we have to be using this type of juicy language for all ages for it to be really able to sink in, and for them to to truly, truly believe it and know that it’s true. 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens: 

And that’s really about one of the tenants of Nurtured Heart Approach, which is to nurture the Inner Wealth or to recognize the Inner Wealth. Can you talk a little bit about that term? Because I think that ties in to what you’re talking about here, right? Like recognizing the intrinsic inner wealth in kids and helping to foster and grow that? 

Tammi Van Hollander:

Yeah, absolutely. Part of the recognitions that are done regularly — it’s about how we are giving these recognitions when things are going right? There’s no energy when things are going right. Some parents who are listening may be saying “Well, if my kids are playing together, I am not going to go in and do a recognition or they’re going to start beating each other up!” But I am telling you, when they are done in a way that is authentic and it’s being seen — if it’s not authentic, it’s not going to work. But if it’s really being pointed at in a way of what is going right, in a very nurturing way, they’re going to begin to do it more. They want your attention, no matter what it is. So use the attention to go that way. Part of the Nurtured Heart Approach, they talk about kids’ portfolios and this idea of the parents — many parents who are listening may say “All I do is say no.” and they’re exhausted by saying no. And I do so much parenting work. This is Nurtured Heart Approach, but I think everything is that parents are exhausted and it’s “No, no”, or it’s putting them in a time-out, or it’s giving them sticker charts and behavioral plans. But we’re not teaching the kids how to do anything differently. So they’re not getting any of the tools, they’re dysregulated and they don’t have that attachment connection of being seen and heard, that we’re there and we’re there to go through it with them. So this idea of “No” is just a nothing. So what are you going to replace it with? So say “No, no, no ”, and it ups the ante, and they’re going to push it, “Yes, yes, yes”, and then again, right? It’s that power struggle. So I’ve just never been a fan of no. I think it just cycles, but how can we have dialogue? I saw that you have one of my favorite people on this show, Ross Greene. So Ross Greene’s collaborative problem-solving approach, that piece of it: How are we also problem-solving with kids, rather than just giving a “No” or a sticker chart? Because we know that they eventually fail. 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens: 

They have to have the skills, that’s right. Can you give some examples of a couple of recognitions we say? Like going in, the kids are playing and you’re like, “Oh, I don’t want to jinx that, I’m not going to go in”, or you see something that your child is doing. What would be a couple of examples of these recognitions that we would use with kids? 

Tammi Van Hollander: 

Right, so let’s say maybe two children are just sitting at the dinner table, and the fact that they’re even sitting at the dinner table, and they can even be so loud. They could be loud, they could be fighting for this type of piece of it, but they’re having an active conversation, so they’re having a lot of energy and excitement. So for one kid who may be feeling pretty loud at the table, it’s giving that recognition like, “Okay, Julie. I see how passionate you are about this subject. It shows your resilience and your intensity, a way of really being able to prove your point. You have the greatness of persistence.” We’re using these big words. Part of the Nurtured Heart Approach, which is a new one, it’s called SARAH. And what it is, is what I “See”, hear and sense about you would be the first one, and what I “Appreciate” about you. So for this one, for that situation, it would be: “What I hear, ‘Sense’ and feel about you is that you have this passion to prove your point with your brother. What it reveals to me is your heart, to want to be able to get your point known and to be heard. And what that ‘Reveals’ to me is what a loving, passionate person you are. You are the greatness of persistence.”

Dr. Nicole Beurkens: 

Beautiful. 

Tammi Van Hollander:

That’s a lot better than “Good job” or “Be quiet at the table”. Part of the Nurtured Heart Approach is if this — It’s called a Jordan Experiential and it goes throughout the child’s day from morning to evening. What a child hears over time, and it’s all things that we’ve said. “Hurry up, you’re not fast enough, you’re not doing all these things”, and then it does the whole day through a Nurtured Heart lens. And how are we just looking at things through a different lens? I mean even a child who has difficulty going to sleep, that’s something many parents can relate to, I often say “What’s the greatness of that?”

The child whose mind is going and curious about all of these different things, where their mind is going and their energy and their passion. So although it’s not the time when they’re trying to fall asleep and we’re trying to wind them down, but there are also different positives of their brain doing what their brains need to do at that time because they can’t self-regulate, and being curious and asking questions and if we look at it, we can always see the greatness in any moment. What is the greatness in that moment, what is so great about that? I remember one parent said, “My child never, ever asks for help when doing homework.” And the next week they came in and the mom said, “She wouldn’t leave me alone. I was trying to cook dinner and she just kept asking for help for homework.” So we paused and said, “Wait a second, this is what you had asked about. What greatness did it show? How could you have stopped and not energized that she was annoying you or interrupting you when cooking, then stopping and giving such a big recognition that she stopped and she was asking you for help with her homework. How great is that? So those are the different pieces that we’re really looking at as we’re changing the lens. 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens: 

And what a really simple, not necessarily easy, but simple and practical thing that we can start to be more aware of as parents or as professionals around just building the strength of that lens, around seeing the argument at the dinner table and saying, “Okay, how can I shift my perspective on this? How can I spotlight important things that are happening here?”, because that is so not typically where our mind tends to go, right? 

Tammi Van Hollander:

Right, I mean I love the metaphor that Nurtured Heart Approach uses of this idea of “100 Dollar Bills.” And we give 100 dollar bills when things are going wrong. And those are all the bells and whistles. And we give 5 dollar bills when things are going right. And I think of that one all the time, so where’s the money going? It’s funny, I once did a training for a group of preschool teachers, and we did superhero gadgets, and she made a bank. And she said I don’t get a lot of money as a preschool teacher, but every time I don’t energize my students’ negativity, I’m going to put a $100 bill in my bank, so that she will have all of this money. So this idea of looking at this piece.

Another piece, a story that I love with Nurtured Heart Approach is this idea of “Video Game Theory ”, and he doesn’t believe in video games, but the theory that video games have absolute clarity, and they don’t shame. And children know what to expect. If a video game is boring, they’re just going to turn it off. But if there are incentives in the video game, they’re going to want to keep playing it. And then if they die in the video game, it’s not like you sort of die. You die. You have to push the reset and you have to get back online. So that idea — there is a reason why kids are drawn to video games. It’s not yelling at them or shaming them, it’s giving them these bells and whistles, the stuff that’s filling their bucket and exciting them to want to do more and want to do more. And if we’re looking at parenting through this lens of how are we giving them this energy that they want to please, they want to do more, they’re feeling so good about themselves that it’s just shifting the energy of that part of it. 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:

Yeah, and I love what you said about that exercise of listening to what is said to a child, especially a kid with challenges throughout the whole day. I’ve been thinking about that since you said it. For so many kids, it is just a constant negative loop running everywhere they go and everything they do, and that is a lot of energy on our part and their part going into exactly the places that we don’t want it to be going, and I think that’s a really powerful thing for us to think about, as parents and professionals: How can we shift that? How can we even take a fraction of the energy that we put towards these things that we would like to see less of, and shift it towards spotlighting the real flip side of this stuff, and helping kids to see really the greatness in themselves? And I do think that’s a big difference. You said this is not just about spotlighting a positive or saying “Oh, good job.” This is really about fundamentally shifting the way the child views themselves. Viewing themselves as great. Because I’ll tell you, having worked with so, so many kids, whether it’s in schools or hospital settings or outpatient settings over the years: Kids who struggle do not see themselves as having greatness. They do not. And you’re right, it doesn’t matter how many times somebody says “You did a good job with that”. Inherently, they don’t feel great. They don’t feel that they have greatness. So I love that the foundation of this is really starting from a place of “How do we help kids to see the greatness in themselves?” It is inherently there, that they don’t have to earn, that it’s not about what they did right or what they did wrong. Just their presence and the gifts that they were brought into this world with, that they are inherently great. 

Tammi Van Hollander:

Absolutely. And when you ask kids, “Tell me about your greatness” or “What are your greatness qualities?”, they have no idea. And when you ask parents, they just have this list of all the negatives. So I’ll reframe it. They’ll say “They’re stubborn”, oh , they’re strong-willed. How are we reframing? We know that all the negatives can be reframed into the positives, and I have worked with pretty significant trauma cases, reactive attachment cases who have gone through so many different therapists and so much different treatment, and this idea of another one, TBRI, it’s another great — because it’s an attachment-based model. It’s kids who have been unable to connect with their parents with significant trauma and attachment pieces have, through the Nurtured Heart Approach, and this type of language and these types of stands, it’s been unbelievable to watch.

It’s unbelievable that kids who would never make eye-contact, who would never touch or hug their parents, what their relationships are like. And the beauty is the authenticity of it. It’s just so real and so powerful and it goes pretty deep to see the parents when they start really authentically saying they can do it. I say if you can’t do it authentically, then you can’t do it at all. It’s just like play, that play piece has to be authentic and it has to be that connection for them. 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:

Yeah, because kids will always know when we’re just phoning it in. Even the most impaired kids, the youngest kids, they know when it’s not coming from a place within us that’s. genuine, it’s so true. 

Tammi Van Hollander:

Yeah. They will call you out. And for parents, when they’ve gone through so much with their kid, then you have listeners maybe thinking, “There’s no way. I just can’t find the greatness.” Howie used an example of even a child getting into the car and putting on their seatbelt. That’s a moment for recognition. The child who is just picking up their pencil, even though they refuse to do any work, they put the pencils in their hand. It’s these little moments. Another Nurtured Heart frame is these Miracles with Molecules, instead of mountains out of molehills, and being able to look at these little tiny molecules, and looking at them as miracles for these intense kids who hear “No, no, no” and “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t”. As a play therapist, we do a lot of power prose. They get a lot of resiliency, but my kids and the parents that I work with, after several sessions, you hear how they’re then able to identify themselves, their siblings and their family members. It’s beautiful. And the earlier we teach this, the better. In the Nurtured Heart Approach, they have in the head start programs, these Greatness Circles of these little kids giving these long recognitions, and it’s beautiful, and it just becomes part of their vocabulary. 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:

Yeah, I love it. And I just want to point out again, because so many of you have kids, maybe with different levels of challenges, different types of diagnoses, this approach has been used across the entire range of not only developmental levels, but also diagnoses and challenges. So I don’t want anybody to walk away thinking “Well, my child has a diagnosis of autism, so this isn’t for them.” No, this is for them. This is for all kids, and I think that’s important. 

Tammi Van Hollander:

Yeah, absolutely. It’s for all kids. This was a little while ago, but in New Jersey, they had a huge grant, and in all the residential in New Jersey, the Nurtured Heart Approach was used and they no longer are doing any restraints. They had to do 0 restraints. And when we are talking about kids on the autistism spectrum, what’s so wonderful about the Nurtured Heart Approach is it’s teaching relationship and it’s teaching the rest. That regulatory stuff. It’s not going into all this left-brain cognitive stuff: You need to do A, B and C. It’s helping that reset, it’s helping that connection and that’s the power of the approach. 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:

Fantastic. I’d love for you to share one or two strategies or one or two things that our listeners can take from this and start putting into practice right away. What are one or two things that you think are powerful starting points?

Tammi Van Hollander:

I think the most important point for parents is their own self-awareness and their reset. Whether you guys have your own special reset — sometimes I just even put my hand on my heart or even on my wrist, to take a deep breath because we know that breath will quiet our brain and that there’s so much reactivity. Parenting is so much about reactivity, and there is not a lot of time, so being able to practice our own resets. There is a wonderful book, Howard Glasser did it and Melissa Lowenstein, I think, but it’s called Taking A Stand, and it’s a wonderful book. It talks about the brain, Nurtured Heart, but most importantly Stand 3 of reset, but how as adults — what do we need to do to have our own resets, and we have to be so aware of our own energy and our own triggers of being able to reset ourselves. I think that that’s a really important piece of it. And in that reset, then, how important it is. I’m going to actually use a Dan Siegel, even though we’re talking Nurtured Heart, but it is the Connect and Redirect before that “No”. And that piece of it, we’re still staying calm and staying in the relationship. We are so often told, so many books will say ignore, ignore a tantrum. And I do a lot of my trainings of the still-face experiment, when you go still-face and the limbic system is triggered and the baby starts going nuts. And we know that when we go still-face and when we ignore, the brain goes into that fight or flight, and sometimes as parents, we think, well it’s better to ignore it than to yell, but the child is still having the same type of reaction and still going into that fight, flight or freeze. So the importance of staying in it. If you’re ignoring it, how can you pounce on Stand 2? How can you pounce on the positive and see what’s going right if you’re walking away? Because you know as a parent, if you’re walking away, that kid’s going to run after you, or you’re going to shut the door and they’re going to pound that door down. So how do we keep that door open? The importance of staying calm. Howard Glasser will say “Kids read energy like it’s Braille.” Just staying connected and staying calm and being able to look at that opportunity to change the lens. It’s that relationship piece. If we’re not in it and we’re not there with them, we’re going to lose them. 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:

Well, and I’m glad that you mentioned both some practical tips for that, as well as a resource because I think that so many parents know or have been told that it’s important for them to stay calm when their child is not, but then the next question is “Okay, but how do I do that?” So you provided some helpful strategies for that and also a great resource of the book, of how we can reset ourselves, how we can work on regulating our own emotional and behavioral states because a lot of adults did not have good modeling for that growing up, there are a lot of adults who have the best of intentions of wanting to be able to take this stand and stay calm and not give their own energy to it, but truly don’t know how. So I think it’s important that you talked about us needing to learn the how of that. 

Tammi Van Hollander:

Yeah. And it takes a lot of practice, right? We know the brain, we know about neuroplasticity. When we are wired for reactivity, it takes a very long time to change the brain, and this is not just an overnight piece. But once you start doing it, when you authentically begin to change the lens on how you see yourself, it’s very different. It’s a little off Nurtured Heart Approach, but I think it all has to do with it, David Crenshaw who is a play therapy colleague of mine who I love, he talks about kids that are fawn in gorilla suits, and that when we see kids who are in that fight or flight or who are really reactive, we often respond to them as gorillas because we’re scared as well, and it turns into a screaming match. But if you look at your child who is falling apart and screaming and just out of control and we unzip that gorilla suit and look at them as deer in the headlights, how do we nurture that deer, rather than looking at them as a gorilla. I just think it’s such a beautiful way to be looking at these vulnerable kids who just don’t have the tools. They’re not pushing your buttons just to push your buttons. I know many parents are saying they are, but kids want to be in connection, they want to be with their parents. They don’t want to do all this work, but they don’t have the tools. And we have to recognize that that piece as well as having the tools, and one of the best tools to quiet the anxious brain is connection. So I say you read all the books, you can do all those pieces, but it’s that connection piece. But the book which is important to note for the Nurtured Heart Approach is — Howie has a whole bunch, but the main one is Transforming the Intense Child Workbook, and it’s really about how we are honoring and celebrating these kids’ intensity. And it’s just been completely transformative to my work, to my personal life and I’ve just found Nurtured Heart Approach to be such a gift. 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:

It’s wonderful, and I know too, for those of you who are professionals in our listening audience, this is used in schools, this is used as Tammi mentioned, in residential settings and all kinds of institutions, there are trainers that come in and do that. So even for parents to be aware of that, these are things that we can bring into all of the environments where children are at homes, their schools, community organizations, and I think that’s just so beautiful. 

I’m seeing the transformation that has happened in numerous school environments when there is leadership and work that’s done to shift to this focus in an educational environment. It really is transformative, not just for the children, but also for the staff and the educators there. So I just want to mention that this is something that can be applied and taught across all settings. So I’m glad, Tammi, that you mentioned the main book that lays out the nurtured heart approach, Transforming the Intense Child, Howard Glasser. I know you also have some resources available, so I want to make sure that we let our listeners know where they can find out more about you, the work that you’re doing, I know you have a book and some other resources too. 

Tammi Van Hollander:

Right. Out of the Nurtured Heart Approach, came my Casey’s Greatness Wings. Since I do attachment-based therapy as well, and I was trained in Janet Courtney’s FirstPlay and Kinesthetic Storytelling. So basically, within this book, there is also a mindfulness component, but the whole book is actually done on the child’s back. So Casey is a butterfly who feels like he is not good enough. Actually Casey can be a he or she, is gender neutral and you can change it. And then once Casey is able to find his or her resilience, everything is placed on the back, all of their greatness words. So every time that there is a positive word or a greatness word on here, we do a heart on the back. So it’s installing the heart on the back. And then through that, came out Greatness Sticks, and you guys can find out about Greatness Sticks on www.mainlineplaytherapy.com, and you can make your own with popsicle sticks. I have these. I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to be making them because they’ve taken a lot of work! These have motivation, and wise and mindful, and then since these became so difficult, I came out with greatness cards. And these greatness cards, I use for family events. I take them everywhere with me. I use them with clients and even at home, and I actually have a downloadable version and you can just even do it because I’m still doing Tele health, but they’re just all the different words, and you can just pick different words that you see in the child, in giving them the recognitions. But how I have parents do it, I think I have 42 different words of how they are showing this quality. So it’s not just “You are loving, you are curious.” It’s how they show it. Nurtured Heart Approach is always giving evidence. We’re giving evidence to these greatness words. So when we’re using any of these types of words, we’re teaching that vocabulary, which I believe is so important too, this is how we teach different vocabulary to kids, and it becomes part of our everyday routine of just using these types of words to really help with that Inner Wealth piece of it. But you can find out about me on mainlineplaytherapy.com. I have a lot of YouTube videos on Tammi Van Hollander, lots of Telehealth videos, and my Facebook page is Tammi’s Play Therapy and Sand Tray Therapy page. So I love to provide resources, anything play therapy, anything Nurtured Heart Approach, Sand Tray Therapy, I love to do. But for those who are interested in Nurtured Heart Approach coaching, you can go onto the Nurtured Heart Approach and you can find coaching near you. I do Nurtured Heart Approach coaching all over the world, as well as different trainings that are now available online and there’s 3 hours, 6 hours and just different types of coaching, so people should be able to find it if they’re interested in it. 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:

Wonderful. We’ll have the links to those things in the show notes as well. Tammi, thank you so much for spending time with us today, for talking about this wonderful approach and really helping us to understand how this can transform the lives of kids and the lives of families. I really appreciate your timing and your expertise. 

Tammi Van Hollander:

Thank you, Nicole. So happy to be here. 

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:

And thanks as always to all of you for listening. We will catch you back here next time for our next episode of The Better Behavior show.