What To Do When Parents Aren’t On The Same Page With Child Nutrition

Episode Transcript

Hi everyone. Welcome to the show, I’m Dr. Nicole. And on today’s episode, I’m answering a question from a listener. I get so many questions each week, and this is a great way to provide answers that many of you might find helpful. If you have a question you’d like me to consider answering on a future episode, email it to support@drberkins.com, and you just might hear it on an upcoming show. Now onto today’s question from Marisol. And this is a question related to nutrition, behavior, and parents being on the same page. Marisol writes, “Hi, Dr. Nicole, I’ve been following your work for a while now, and I’ve heard you and your guests talk often about the connections between nutrition and behavior for kids. I think this makes a lot of sense, and I felt for a while that my boys seem easier to manage when they haven’t been eating a lot of sweets and junk food.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
My one son especially seems sensitive to food. He gets really hyper with sugar, and yet he really craves it. So it’s hard to balance sometimes. He’s my child that throws a lot of temper tantrums gets upset really easily. And even the teachers in his preschool have noted he just seems to be more irritable and acts out more than the other kids. My problem is that my husband doesn’t think there’s any reason to consider food when it comes to our kids’ behavior or health in general. He says they aren’t overweight, so it’s not a problem. He doesn’t think there’s any reason to consider the ways we feed the boys in terms of their learning and their behavior. I know this isn’t true, but how can I get him to understand and help me make some changes that might help? Thank you, Marisol.”

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
Well, Marisol, these are great questions and things that many parents deal with in one way or another. So there’s a couple of things to unpack here. Let’s start with the food mood behavior connection, and then we’ll get to the second issue that you raised, which is what to do when parents aren’t on the same page with how to manage feeding kids and thinking about what is important for kids. So let’s start with the food mood behavior piece. Research is really clear that there is a pretty strong connection between what kids eat, what people eat, even for adults, and how our brain functions and how we behave. This has been shown in many different ways now over the years. And it’s clear that when people eat a more nutrient dense diet, they do better all the way around, physical health wise and mental health wise than when they eat a diet that is lower in nutrient density. And what we’re talking about with nutrient density is how many actual nutrients, how much nutritional benefit our brain and body are getting from the foods that we’re eating.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
So an example would be something like a piece of fruit, an apple, a banana, or some leafy greens like spinach or kale, or a piece of meat or even something like a whole grain bagel, things like those. Those are more nutrient dense foods. There’s a lot more nutritional value for the amount that we’re eating as compared to less nutrient dense foods, which might be things like a lot of processed and packaged sugary kid’s kinds of foods. Maybe something like a fruit snack or a pop tart or soda pop or energy drinks, chips, white bread, processed, breads, and baked goods and those kinds of things. Even things like processed chicken nuggets that may not have a lot of meat in them, and may have a lot of added sugars and processed grains and the breading, those are less nutrient dense. Meaning we can eat the same number of calories of a nutrient dense and a non-nutrient dense food and our body’s getting really different things from them.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
It might be the same amount of calories, but the nutrient density, what value we’re able to get from them is really different. So this idea that more nutrient dense foods provide more benefit, not only for our physical functioning, but our brain functioning, that’s clear in the research, across the board for kids and adults. Now we have studies also showing in specific areas related to brain function for kids, how food impacts mood, irritability, up and down mood, mood swings, those kinds of things. And again, we know that more nutrient dense foods are more supportive of stable moods of kids being more regulated with their moods and a more positive mood. We also have studies showing the connection between food and attention and focus and differences there, not only in terms of nutrient density, but also studies showing that foods with added chemicals, dyes, high fructose corn syrup, preservatives, those things, can be detrimental to kids’ learning and behavior and focus and sleep, and all of those things.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
We have research showing connections between food and things like anxiety and stress levels. So the connection there is clear, and some people may want to argue about the impact that food has on their physical and mental health, but the research is clear on it. And we know that there is a connection. So this nutrient density piece is important. And Blood sugar regulation is important, certainly a connection between how much sugar kids are having and those sugar spikes and crashes. That’s dysregulated blood sugar, where they consume a bunch of sugar or simple carbohydrates that turn quickly into sugar. And they get these spikes of maybe elevated mood and hyperactivity and Whoa, off the wall. And then they crash, and they get moody, and lethargic, and they’re not focused. And we know that blood sugar regulation is really important and that’s connected to the foods that we’re eating.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
As I mentioned, things like chemicals, dyes, added artificial sweeteners, those are all things that have been tied to more problems with brain function for kids, even something as basic as adequately being hydrated with water. Hydration has been shown in studies to be a big deal for kids. It’s a big deal for adults too, but because kids are smaller, it impacts them even more. Even if they’re mildly dehydrated, not consuming enough water throughout the day, that has a negative effect on their energy level, on their ability to focus, to learn those things. So the connection there is clear, and I just want to start with that to help solidify for you in what you’re learning and how you’re thinking about this, that these things are connected for kids. And this is regardless of whether a child has a diagnosed condition.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
I’m talking about children and teens in general. Now there are studies also showing the connection between food and brain function and learning and behavior for kids with specific diagnoses, whether it’s ADHD or autism or mood and behavior disorders, or things like that. So certainly there is evidence showing a connection between food and how kids are eating and specific diagnoses, but this is all true, just in general, for all kids even those who don’t have specific symptoms or diagnoses. So important to know that and starting points for those things in terms of improving just overall mental health and behavior and learning and functioning for kids. What are we thinking about? Reducing those processed foods with all of those additives and things in them, reducing the amount that they’re eating that has things in it that aren’t going to be supportive of their brain function, but also reducing these foods that aren’t as nutrient dense.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
And one of the great ways to do that is to start pushing in more whole foods, more nutrient dense foods. Starting to put more of these things like fruits and vegetables, less processed foods and protein, packed foods and foods with good fiber in them. When we put more of that in our child’s diet, it fills them up and it starts to crowd out more of those unhelpful processed foods. So we want to move in that direction. Starting the day with protein is a big one, especially for kids. Giving them a boost of protein in the morning through what we’re feeding them. That goes a long way to helping to stabilize their mood, give them good, consistent energy, and help them to be focused. Turns the brain on, gives the brain what it needs, even on a neurochemical level with the amino acids and proteins to help stabilize the brain and prepare them for learning and focusing and all of that.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
So protein at the start of the day is great. And another thing that I will encourage families to start with that simple is just looking at some snack swaps, looking at what your kids are eating for snacks on a regular basis, and seeing how you can start to swap those out for some more nutrient dense options or some less processed options. Looking at how you can make some swaps for items that are lower in added sugars and chemicals, or that are whole food options, or just more nutrient dense. Those are great starting points. And those can make a big difference for many kids in terms of their overall mental health and brain function, and obviously their physical health as well. And there are many other nutrition and behavior or brain connections as well.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
And this is where it gets into looking more specifically at nutrient deficiencies, what are different blood levels? What’s going on with specific nutrients in the body? What’s going on with the child’s digestion? Are they breaking down their food well, so that they’re able to make use of the nutrients in food? What’s going on with their microbiome and their gut? Do they have allergies or sensitivities to foods? Because we’ve got studies for sure, showing connections for kids between food allergies and sensitivities and brain function and behavior so all of those things also are connected to how a child’s brain is functioning and what their behavior is like. So those are things to look at if making some of those more basic dietary changes aren’t sufficient. There’s all kinds of things that we can look at and do in the realm of food and nutrition more broadly for kids. So hopefully that addresses the part of your question, Marisol, about this connection and just helps to strengthen your understanding of that for yourself, so that you feel more confident in what you want to know about that, but also in talking with your spouse about it.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
And I think let’s get into that second part next, which really is your question about how you can help your husband to understand this connection and be willing to get on board with some changes. So I’ll say a few things about that from my own experience in practice, working with lots of families. And first, I want to say that this is a fairly common issue. Parents come to their role as parents from all different places, we’ve all been raised differently. We’ve had different experiences as children with our own parents. We may come from different cultural backgrounds. So we bring that to our parenting. And that means that there may be times, or maybe a lot of times when two parents are not on the same page about how to handle things with a child. So I just want to normalize that, that it certainly comes up in lots of ways in relationships where parents are thinking about how they want to manage their kids.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
Specifically related to being on different pages with food and how you feed kids and what’s important for all that, I find that there can be several things going on. Often when a person is denying that there’s any connection between food and what’s going on with their children, or they’re resistive to thinking about changes, there can be some underlying things going on there. And here’s just some of the things that I have found in my experience can be at the root of that. It can be related to their own history with food, how they were fed as a child. That can be a piece of what comes up for them then in thinking about how they’re feeding their own child, making changes to that. Some parents have real fears of depriving their kids by changing their diet or a fear of their child not liking them or being unhappy with them as a result of making changes.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
Often this comes up in a lot of ways for parents with kids and managing their behavior and just parenting in general. Some parents have a real deep rooted fear of their kids not liking them or of their child being unhappy with boundaries that they’re setting, or decisions that they’re making. And that certainly shows up in how people feed their kids then. So that may be a piece of what’s going on. Some adults really have a strong association in their mind between emotions, love, and food. And they may really have some concerns about what it means about how they feel about their child, how their child’s going to feel about them, with making changes to the food. Some parents really equate showing love to their child through feeding them in ways that makes the child happy or to feeding them comfort foods or things like that. And it feels scary to them or mean to them almost to think about not giving those foods to their kids because it’s how maybe they were shown love as a child. And how they think about showing love to their own kids. So that can be an issue.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
There can be cultural factors around how people feel like kids should be fed, and what they should be fed, and that entire process. So that can be a factor. On a more basic level, it can be fear of change. It can be fear of changing things. It can be fear of the child resisting and having to that resistance. And just feeling like, “Oh, I don’t want one more thing to have a power struggle about.” So a lot of times I find that one of the barriers with parents thinking about these connections between food diet and their child’s behaviors is just they feel stressed and overwhelmed about, “Oh my gosh, it’s one more thing for me to have to think about and deal with.” So that may be a factor.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
For some parents, the resistance comes from a concern about cost. Is this going to dramatically increase the grocery budget? Are we going to be able to afford this? It can bring up those financial concerns. Sometimes it’s a true lack of knowledge or education about what the research shows and about the facts of it. And that’s probably the easiest thing to remedy because when you share information and research with people who that’s the issue, then once they understand, they’re very willing to get on board. But sometimes that’s an issue or that’s part of the issue. Sometimes it’s an avoidance issue all the way around of a parent just really struggling with accepting, acknowledging, and thinking about the fact that their child’s having some challenges. And that can be tough for parents to think about.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
And so it’s like, “I don’t want to think about the struggles and the challenges. I don’t want to acknowledge that that’s going on.” And so they don’t want to talk about things like making changes or how food might be playing a role because it’s like, “Nope, I just want to keep that in a box. And I don’t want to think about any of that at all.” So those are some of the things that come to mind for me that I have seen in my practice over the years and have helped parents navigate through. Obviously there are other things, but those are some of the more common ones. And so if you are feeling like you are not on the same page with your parenting partner around issues of how to feed your child or the connection between diet and their behavior or their physical health or whatever, these might be some of the things going on there.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
And it’s helpful to just be aware of those. It’s helpful to have some conversation about this, to say, “Boy, I want to understand more of where you’re coming from on this, help me to see your perspective.” And you can throw out some of these things. Like, “I wonder if your concerned that this is going to lead to a lot more stress and power struggles, or I wonder if you’re concerned that this is going to be expensive or that this is going to change how we eat as a family and that none of the things that we enjoy are going to be around anymore.” You can throw some things out as a conversation starter with your partner to see if that can get some helpful, productive communication going about what might really be going on at the room of your partners resistance to thinking about or talking about any changes to how you’re eating as a family.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
So that communication piece is really important, trying to understand where your spouse’s concerns lie, where he’s coming from. And that’s probably an ongoing conversation. That’s generally not like I do it and then it’s done type of discussion. I think it can also be very helpful to provide information in a non-confrontational way. So what typically is not helpful is for the parent, who’s really gung ho about this and has gathered a lot of knowledge and listened to tons of podcasts and read lots of studies and maybe read books and explored blog posts and all these things, to say to their partner, “Here’s all this information. And you need to read this or you need to listen to this.” That typically is going to lead to more conflict and resistance. But what you can do is provide some resources and let your partner look at it on his own terms.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
So you might just say something like, “Hey, I listened to this really interesting podcast about this. I feel like this relates to what we’re dealing with. I’ll send you the link and, you can listen to it if you want to. Or you can forward something that you may be found in trusting in a non-pressuring way. Sometimes it’s helpful to ask permission to do that. To say, “Hey, I’ve been listening to this really cool series online, or I found this really interesting PDF that was helpful. Would you be interested in seeing that? Or would you like me to share that with you?” And that just provides a much more non-confrontational way of approaching that and avoiding the conflict that can come up with forcing this issue on somebody or somebody feeling like it’s being forced on them. So those are some tips there.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
Ultimately, we can only continue what we do ourselves. We can’t ever control what someone else is thinking or feeling or how they’re behaving. So this is where modeling yourself comes in to be a really important factor here. You can’t change what your partner thinks it’s about this, or how he’s going to eat, or even how he’s going to feed your child. But you can decide what’s important to you, what you want to model for your child, what you want to model for the family, and start implementing those changes yourself. If you think it’s important for everybody in the family, including your kids, to be eating more fruit and vegetables, for example, then that’s something you can model yourself. And think about, “Okay, how am I being a model for that? How am I demonstrating that this is important and valuable?” And look at your own behaviors and your own eating habits and the things you’re purchasing and consuming. And say, “Okay, I can control what I’m doing. Let me start with with me.” So that’s an important piece.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
And you can do that regardless of what your partner does, even if you never resolve the differences between you about it. You have control over yourself and that’s a great thing to model for your kids as well. You can also start to make changes that are within your control. If you do things like the shopping, the cooking, if you’re the person in charge of managing that, you can start to make some shifts that way, too. You’re not telling your spouse that he can’t go out and buy the things that he wants to buy. You’re just making decisions because you’re the one doing the shopping about what you’re going to bring into the house or what you’re going to cook for meals. Or you’re involving your kids and your spouse and thinking about some new recipes, “Hey, here’s a couple of things I’m thinking about. What would you prefer?” You can engage them in that way, but ultimately you can start to slowly shift the direction of how the family is eating by how you’re doing the shopping and the cooking if that’s something that is within your control.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
On another level in terms of the modeling and how you can come at this in a non-confrontational way is involving your boys in more shopping and food prep. Again, your husband doesn’t need to change anything about how he’s thinking or behaving in it, but you’re going to involve your boys more in that so they are exposed to more foods. They’re getting more comfortable with them. It might up their interest in it. And that’s a great way to go about it as well, just expanding their preferences. And if one of your husband’s concerns is that it’s going to be a huge power struggle, the kids are going to fight about it, it’s going to be a lot of drama, that’s a good way to go about that. By showing that “Look, we can start to expand interest and exposure in ways that aren’t confrontational, that aren’t creating more stress for everyone.”

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
I’m thinking now that another strategy that can be helpful, sometimes I will have a parent do some tracking and documenting of food intake and behavior, so that it’s clear or clearer what the connection between eating and behavior is for a child. And that can be really helpful tool for parents who are really opposed to the idea that there’s any connection there or very skeptical about it. That can be a clear way for them to see just by doing a simple tracking form of noting what the child is eating. And then a simple rating form, whether it’s a numerical rating or something simple like that, that just indicates what the behaviors were or how extreme they were, how frequently they’re happening. And that can be very helpful.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
Some parents really benefit from more of a black and white way of looking at that in order for them to buy into the idea that it makes a difference. So that can be a great approach to it. But ultimately, Marisol, what you’re going to want to do is focus on what you can control, provide some information, continue to raise it in a supportive non-confrontational way, try to keep the lines of communication open about it. And that’s going to be the best way to approach it. I will say too, that sometimes it’s very beneficial for couples to seek out some professional support, to help with more effective communication and resolving parenting differences. And that doesn’t just apply to parenting differences around food and behavior and how we’re feeding kids, but it applies to any parenting differences. When parents are on really different pages with things and it’s creating conflict and it’s creating disruption in the family and they’re not able to communicate well about it together, then having some appointments with either a couples therapist or with a parenting coach or specialist can be very beneficial in helping to improve and striking them.

Dr. Nicole Beurkens:
Those communication skills, helping parents be able to see each other’s perspective, to have empathy for where each other’s coming from, and ultimately to collaborate on figuring out a plan that they can both agree on and live with, and feel good about. So that may be something to consider as well. So, Marisol, I hope that this is helpful for you, and I hope it’s helpful for all of you listening, who are thinking about the connection between food and your child’s mental health and behavior. And especially if you’re not on the same page with your child’s other parent, remember if you have a question you’d like to hear answered on a future show, email it to support@drbeurkens.com. Thanks as always for listening. And I will catch you back here next time.